Business-wise life is zipping along happily. The Fall Line released, and it received a great response. Bart and I set up our booth at 4 different festivals over the past few months. Christmas was great. Charlotte has been keeping me busy stocking her beautiful store with P & P goodness. I shouldn't be complaining one tiny bit.
I can feel myself slipping....sinking. I miss my boys so much. I don't want to sound ungrateful. I know how lucky I am to have a job. As wonderful as P & P is, I would still trade it all for a few more years home with my kiddos. I know they have been in school for months now, and I should be over this and back to my perky self. I'm trying, I really am. I know most won't understand this, but I also know a few of you might.
Before I had my kiddos I absolutely could not wait to become a mother. I know not all feel this way, and that is perfectly fine too. But, for me it was in my bones. Once God gave them to me, I couldn't believe one girl could be so blessed. Sure, there were some pull-my-hair-out days in there, but for the most part I nailed being a baby/toddler Momma. Rocking that baby back to sleep at 2 in the morning was my forte. For 8 years I had my dream job, and I knew it too. I remember praying that God would slow down time so that I could stay a little longer.
But I still feel a bit lost.
Here's the thing.... I really am ready to jump into the working world. My nerves probably couldn't handle another year of stay-at-home-ness as wonderful as it was. I could feel part of myself ready to bust out of the gate those last few months. I won't lie. There have been moments that have been grand. It feels so good to be able to contribute more financially to our family. It's nice to be able to run into stores alone again. (I can get so much done by myself!) I actually walked around our town library the other day on my lunch hour. No one was begging me to leave, no one was running up the aisles, and I wasn't there for my kids' summertime library program. I was there for me. I wanted to find a book I wanted to read. I can't tell you how good this all has been for my inner-self. Most of the time I'm all, "look at me and my professional working self! Rock-on!"
So, what is tripping me up?
Having my studio at home. The best way I can describe it is I am trying to move on into the working world. Yet, the ghosts of the past 8 years are still right outside my studio door. All of my memories of being home with my boys are in this house. It is so quiet, so empty without them here all day. No amount of the Today Show or music on my iPod can distract me long enough to not miss them. I see the Legos on the floor, the dishes in the sink, or the crayons on the coffee table, and I am wrecked. I'm not going to be able to get through this transition if I stay here.
It's time. HA.
Right now I am working out all the little details. (Well, God is. I'm just realizing them here and there.) It turns out He had a little bit more planned than I did. But, I can tell you.... it's going to be awesome.
Stay tuned...... ;)