I used to be a teacher....did you know that?
I couldn't do it.
Not that I didn't want to do it, not that I didn't think I could do it, but I physically and mentally couldn't.
My brain is wired weird; I know this. I have this sense in me that if I am given a job I need to pour 100% of myself into it. I want as close to perfection as I can get. If I was going to be a gymnast I would strive to be in the Olympics. If I was going to be a golfer I would shoot for that Green Jacket. If I was going to be a teacher I would be the teacher-of-the-year. If I was going to be a mother I would pour my heart and soul into raising that child.
There are no splits in this dedication for me. Most people can do this easily (and I truly envy you that you can), but my brain is broken here. There was no way I could teach and have a child at the same time. My mind couldn't handle it. I knew I would go crazy with guilt on both sides if I tried.
So, I gave up my job. My job that I had worked 4 long years in college to get. I kissed my husband goodbye in the morning and became a stay-at-home-mom.
*disclaimer* This blog is not a working-mom vs stay-at-home-mom debate. Please don't make it that. I feel that both sides are right, and it depends on each woman and her child. Just because I chose to stay home doesn't mean that I think it is the "right" way. It was just what worked for us. I know fabulous working women who are amazing mamas too. No judgments or fights about this, peeps.
So, for the last 8 years that is who I have been. Lori, the stay-at-home-mom (who also dabbles in sewing purses on the side.) And.....I LOVED IT. It wasn't easy. (Hello potty training? Thomas the Train overexposure insanity? Sleepless nights and days? Feeling like the old Lori was disappearing? Toddler meltdowns? 24 hours a day!?!?)
But, I wouldn't trade one moment of it for a million dollars.
My youngest, Ben, started preschool this week. There are no future Wade bambinos in the "plan," so the sands in my stay-at-home-mom hourglass are dwindling.
So, I can't help but wonder....... who will I be? I feel a bit lost at the moment. I've given 100% of myself to this gig for so long I don't quite know what to do now. I know I will still be Mama, but life is changing again. I can feel the new season coming. Part of me wants to throw a toddler fit, scream and stomp my feet...... "I don't want this to be over! Give me more time!" But, the other half of me who is emerging (Lori, the Prim & Posh Lady) knows better. I know that this season will surely be different, but it will be just as amazing as the last.